You've got your hands full - and 101 other stupid things not to say to a parent of multiples

17. "That's my worst nightmare"

This one was actually said to me the other day. I was stood outside the cafe, in the sunshine, waiting for my take away (and now daily necessity) coffee, with my 3 smiling happy children, on our way to the swings for some fun. A mother was sat outside said cafe, with her one adoring cute daughter, and they were enjoying a little smackeral of something nice.

And so it started (some what predictably at first).

Her: "Are they twins?"

Me: "Yes, this one is Edwin, this one is Rufus." (I like to introduce them by name rather than 'the twins'.)

Her: "Are they identical?"

Me: "Yes, very much so."

Her: "Is that one yours too?" (points at curly mopped 3 year old)

Me: "Yes, this one is my daughter, Elspeth. She is 3"

Her: "Oh, that is my worst nightmare, that that might happen to me"

Me: silence

Her: "now that I have her (points to previously mentioned adoring cute daughter), I don't know what I would do if I had twins now!"

Me: silence

Her: "I don't know how you cope"

Me: silence

Her: (sensing she might have just said the wrong thing) "I suppose you just do?"

Me: "Yes, you just have to" (takes now arrived daily necessity also known as coffee, and walks off to the swings to enjoy someone else's idea of a nightmare, also known as my lovely children.)

To be honest, at times, it has been my worst nightmare too. But to actually tell another mother that her life, the one she is living quite well, and doing alright with all things considered, is your worst nightmare? Well, let us just say, it isn't the kindest nor most appropriate thing to be saying. I am just grateful my children aren't old enough to understand what she had just said about them. I am just grateful that my children and I enjoyed our day at the swings, helped my mummy's caffeine intake.

13 comments:

MarjorieAugust 28, 2012
Can I confess something? WIthout meaning to diminish how hard I know it must be at times, and how little I probably actually understand about what it will entail? Sometimes I dream about having twins next time around. Not a nightmare, a lovely dream. Just goes to show you, it's all relative x
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MarmiteAugust 28, 2012
Just wanted to thank you, as a mum of 4 m old twins and a 27 m old daughter, for helping to keep me sane and show me there's light at the end of what does feel a bit like a tunnel at times! Twins have been ill and nursing hourly at night so reading this is a joy I look forward to, and encourages me that it will get easier and it's not just me! Thanks :)
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Moon~August 28, 2012
I think other mommies can just be rude. I have often looked at moms of multiples with so much respect. I was tired with just one when my babies were little. I think the older I get you just rise above these people that say stupid things like this to you. Before you know it (time goes so fast) your beautiful children will graduate High school. I do miss my baby days. I often wonder how time got away from me.
I love your attitude and the fact you know how valuable your time with them is when they are small. Bravo!
ann from @babycountdown on twitter
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AnonymousSeptember 13, 2012
Your experience about comments makes me smile. When I was pregant with my first child, my uncle told me to buy a big black book and write 'Advice' on it. Whenever someone started to give me advice on pregnancy / childbirth / children - I could hand them the book and ask them to write it down.
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UnknownSeptember 24, 2012
I don't think I would be able to hold back if someone said this to me. I would probably blurt out something equally rude such as "The feeling is mutual... I'm sure YOUR kid would be MY worst nightmare".

Or if I was feeling polite, I might say "That's a bit f***ing rude!"

I have dreamed of having twins all my life. Since I was 5 years old, I have always always wanted twins. I stood up in assembeley and told my whole school I was going to have 2 sets of twins when I was older. I convinced myself. I beleived it. And now I think myself the luckiest woman alive because I have twins and a single daughter.

I truly beleive if i were to fall pregnant again, that I would get that second set of twins. But unfortunately due to complications at birth, I have been told I should not have any more children as it could kill me. So if in 5 years time, the dream of a second set is still alive, I will look into adopting twins.

I can't comprehend how somebody could refer to twins as a nightmare, but for those that do - they should keep that thought to themselves!
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LouiseOctober 25, 2012
Do you have an email address you can be contacted on or do you have a preferred other method?
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HelenJanuary 14, 2013
Quite! We've just moved to a small village and EVERYONE knows ours aren't IVF now because they've all had the temerity to ask. I may start questioning them on their sex lives too ;)

Check out my two when/if you have a sec:

http://likepeasinapod.com/
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Welcome to my long over due attempt at capturing some of the daft, crazy, kind or otherwise things I've been told by friends, family and random strangers since becoming a parent of multiples.

My name is Laura, and I have a daughter, who less than two years later was followed by my identical twin sons. That last year and a half has been pretty crazy, but amazingly we've all survived.

I do appreciate that any mother, regardless of whether they have one child or ten, has some rather unwelcome feedback on their parenting and / or child (e.g. "don't you think she should be wearing socks in this weather"). However, having first experienced being a mother out and about with my daughter, followed rather too swiftly by being a parent out with my twin sons, that the whole running commentary on your life ups to a whole new astonishing level

> Some comments make my jaw drop to the floor

> Some comments make my blood boil

> Some comments make me snigger.Some comments bring a tear to my eye

> Some comments make me realise how there are some things that you just won't understand until you've experienced parenting multiples

> Some comments make me realise just how well I'm doing

> Some comments are just outrageous

> Some comments are really kind

And what I've come to realise, is that all these comments (from the sublime to the ridiculous) should be documented - in part for us parents of multiples (yes, it often does feel like we are in a special club, despite my best attempts at denial) to reflect on them, laugh about them, share them and feel a sense of togetherness about them.

Hopefully also some people who don't have the luxury of twins or triplets or dare I say it quads (eek!) might read this, and might find themselves in a better position to change a very tired parent's day from a crap one, to a great one, just by getting that comment right. Or at the very least, avoiding putting their foot in it, and sending the poor parent off to the toilet in tears (or at least they would if they didn't have to single-handedly supervise more children than they have hands).

I would like to include stories and narrative from others I have shared this journey with - and if you would also like to contribute to this collection please do get in touch. Email me on ll.milling@btinternet.com with your favourite (or indeed least favourite) comments, and how you've taken to responding to them (rudely, politely, or otherwise)