7. "you have my respect, they are beautiful"

So whilst this is largely a blog about what not to say, I figured we might as capture the good stuff that we hear - after all, it isn't all bad.

Yesterday, after my husband working till 4am, I was entering my 24th hour of parenting sans any help - and as such was taking my daughter to nursery without having showered and hardly having had my breakfast, and of course the boys came too.  I was just arriving at the nursery looking somewhat flustered and exhausted when a woman coming the other way gave me a look, and I thought "oh, no, here we go, and I'm just not in the mood for this" (you know, one of 'those' mornings) when to my surprise she said "nuff respect, they are beautiful".

It made me grin from ear to ear, and made the morning feel that little bit more manageable all of a sudden.  She didn't point out that they were twins. She didn't ask if they were identical, and amazingly she didn't even say I had my hands full.  She merely demonstrated that she thought what I did was hard, and paid my beautiful children a compliment they deserve, and yet so often lack due to the focus largely being on them being 'twins'.

Don't lose site of the fact that, beyond being twins (or indeed triplets or quadruplets), that multiples are still beautiful children, gorgeous and cute little munchkins, and much as a mother of a 'singleton' likes to hear others gush over their offspring, so do us mothers of multiples.

So thank you to that random lady for making my morning, it was and is appreciated. And yes, they are beautiful, even if I am a little biased.

6? "How do you tell them apart?"

So, in fact, whilst this question can get a little repetitive, and there is the temptation to come up with some rather daft responses ("oh, we just call their name and see which one responds") the truth of the matter is that this did cause my husband and I some concern prior to them being born.  

We decided not to cut their tags off when we first left the hospital, as to begin with the boys were co-sleeping - which meant the likelihood was that in the very small hours of the night when we were waking for yet another two hourly feed we would be so tired as to forget which one we were holding and thence start swapping them about and mixing them up.  I was dreading not being able to tell one from the other.

Then began the 'clothing code' where we decided stripes for one, and patterns for the other.  17 months on and we still, all be it subconsciously, stick to that code in one way or another.  I suppose in part it is because we don't like family to feel uncomfortable when they don't feel they can tell them apart... in part it might be so that in years to come when we look at pictures of the two of them we will remember which one we are looking at so nostalgically. In part it is now just engrained in us.

But I can tell them apart, even when they are toddling about with their nappies off and having a grand old time in the 'nudie rudie' (as our daughter calls it). For this, I am very grateful.  To me my boys do look different. I can't explain it, so answering that question proves a little tough for me... but I can, and do, know which one is which, for now any way!

5. "Oh, twins? Poor you!"

Where do I start with this one? I guess largely my response depends on what kind of day I am having.  Sometimes I have felt like bursting into tears and saying "you have no idea how 'poor me' this is, please can I have a hug oh random stranger?".  Other times it really gets my back up.  I know what I do is tough, the bags under my eyes and the sugar content of my cupboards vouch for that. However, despite the tough days, despite the endless noise and the constant feeling of needing to be in 3 places at once, and have eyes in at least two different directions at one time... despite all of that, I do feel blessed.

It has taken me a while to arrive in that position. But there I am. I feel blessed. I wouldn't give back the endless nappies, the endless cuddles, the endless snotty noses, the endless dinners thrown on the floor, the endless scraps over the same toys, nor the endless sleepless nights, if it meant giving back my children. (Well, most days anyway).

4. "You've got twins!"

No? Really? Where? I must have missed that one... but thanks for pointing out the obvious to me, otherwise I'd never have realised.  I'd have carried on in my misguided view that in fact I have two children, who just happen to be born on the same day.

I'm not naive enough to think that being a 'twin' doesn't attract a certain amount of attention - and to some degree I hope my boys learn to enjoy and appreciate the special thing that being a twin is.  However, early on in the pregnancy my husband and I made a decision not to refer to the boys as 'the twins'.

Why? When that is so plainly what they are? Because they are going to already have a very complicated relationship with their identity. Society won't often let them forget that they do indeed have an identical 'other' - especially as they grow up together.  So why add to this? Why not see them as two very beautiful (if somewhat cheeky) individual young boys, who just happened to be born on the same day (and turned our lives upside down)?

And... if I am honest... "you've got twins" said in exclamation whilst walking past me is about the most pointless of social exchanges... "You've got a head!" I feel like replying.

3. "I just don't know how you do it..."

Really? I mean really? I know that most people mean well when they say this, I suppose it's akin to saying "I respect you for doing something so hard", but sometimes, on those really bad days (the kind of days when I've already eaten my way through an entire box of tunnock's tea cakes only to find they haven't helped) it just makes me want to punch you. I'm sorry. But there it is. Right now, when the kids have just gone to bed, and the husband is about to cook me dinner, I feel bad for ever feeling like that. But usually this is said to me right in one of those really overwhelming moments, when the kids are running riot, and I'm literally juggling or for want of a better analogy 'treading water' and every part of me wants to run away. So when I hear that, what I want to say is "no, neither do I love!".

However, 'do it' I do. Somehow. Some way. I, and they, survive each and every day (almost) in tact. I guess you just rise to it. What other choice do I have? If all those people who have said that to me really thought about it, what is the other option? That I don't do it? That I abandon my kids and hide upstairs and just leave them to it? No. Exactly. The only option I have is to 'do it'. So 'do it' I do.

Some days I do it well, really well in fact.  Other days I do it quite badly.  But I do it. Each and every day.

2. "Do twins run in the family?"

I feel terrible for getting annoyed by this question, as truth be told before 'that' day (yes, the day I was told, the good news is you're pregnant, the other good news is there are two of them) I didn't have a clue about whether twins were hereditary or not.  I too would have assumed they were, and probably ask the same question.  So here goes, lesson number one;

• Identical twins are not hereditary. There you go. We said it. It is considered to be a random or spontaneous event. 
• None identical twins when they are fraternal twins are linked to genetics and can be an inherited joy. 

• Identical twins will always be the same sex (yes, I had to think this one through on 'that' day).
• None identical twins can be different sex, or the same sex - just because twins are the same sex doesn't mean they are identical.  

AND THE WINNER IS: 1. "You've got your hands full"

I can't tell you just how many times I've had this said to me now.  Truly, enough already. I can't take it anymore.

However, yesterday a lovely friend of mine in a very similar situation to myself taught me the best response I could give; "yes, they are full, full of love".

The truth is, my hands are full.  In fact, they are overflowing.  I have 3 small children, and only 2 hands (although I've also found that feet are more helpful than I first thought).  Having twins is a handful. Definitely. No denying it.

But the thing I forgot when I was expecting the boys was that they come with a lot of love. And let's face it, if you're going to have your hands full, what better to have them full of than 3 amazing children, who you have the honour of parenting.

But next time, rather than rather obviously pointing out to a no doubt tired parent that she/he has their hands full.... how about you open the door for them, or pick up the sippy cup their child has just dropped, or offer to push one child on the swing while they push the other.  It is still the simple things that make a big difference, even to those of us with our hands full.