Who says we like each other?

18. “At least they have a friend for life”

Do they though? Do they really automatically become the best of friends? 

Part of why this blog has laid neglected for the last couple of months, unloved and untouched, is because I, or rather ‘we’ have moved into (yet) another new stage of the experience of twins.  The boys are now starting to talk more and more, and with that have become much more able to communicate their emotions, their needs, their likes and dislikes.  They are becoming ‘sociable’. And with that there is a relationship between the two of them, and indeed between them and their sister, that is developing.

I have often wondered about the feeling of being ‘them’ and ‘other’. What is it like to be a part of that unit, the casualness with which they have been forced to adopt a play mate. I often wonder how my daughter feels about knowing that each and every day they do everything together, and yet whilst she spends a lot of time with them she also does quite a lot of her own thing. They share a room together. She doesn’t. They nap together. She doesn’t. They bath together. She didn’t, but recently I have started to bathe them, feed them, read to them, as the three of them. 

So I started reflecting on the friendship between the two boys. Is it right to assume that they have any good reason to even like each other?

And so I took to reading Winnicott’s book, ‘The Child, The Family, and the Outside World’.  Specifically his chapter on twins, of course. Needless to say it is highly likely that I will make reference to this book in future meanderings. He speaks a lot of sense.  And indeed it was him who wrote, in response to the question ‘do twins like each other?’, “Often they accept each other’s company, enjoy playing together, and hate to be separated, and yet fail to convince one that they love each other.  Then one day they discover that they hate each other like poison, and at last the possibility that they may get to love each other has come.” 

At first I thought blimey, that sounds a bit dramatic, hate each other like poison? I jolly hope not. But on reading further and exploring it a bit more the point he is trying to make is this…. (or at least I think and please feel free to correct me)… when you are a twin, you don’t get to chose the person you spend the majority of your time with for the formative years, they are ‘chosen’ for you, so how can you know if you love them when they have always been there and you have never had to question it. Indeed, it also seems silly to assume that they will even like each other, given that whilst they may of course be identical, their personalities will not. One wouldn’t assume that you could throw two random people, who happen to be born on the same day, together, for weeks on end, and just expect them to get on and become best buddies. So why would we assume that to be the case for twins?

Very interestingly, Winnicott ends the chapter on twins by saying “So it is important that you should not take it too much for granted that your twins will want to spend their lives together. They may, but they may not, and they may even be grateful to you, or to some chance thing like measles, for separating them, it being much easier to become a whole person alone than in company with one’s twin.”

Right then.  

My A-Z of twins.

My A-Z of twins...

A is for Ample. Ample tiny toes to gaze at.
B if for Bottoms. Two squidgy wrinkly impossibly cute bottoms.
C is for Care. Lots and lots of care required.
D is for Dental. Two sets of teeth to be teethed.
E is for Equipment. A house taken over with all the relevant equipment designed to make life easier, when all you actually need is an extra pair of hands.
F is for Fingers. Not just your average ten fingers and thumbs, but instead a whopping 20 fingers and thumbs to kiss and hold.
G is for Giggle. Twice as many baby giggles to soak up.
H is for Happy. Happy to see two sets of first steps, hear two first words.
I is for Individual. Two individual very small people, no matter how much they look the same.
J is for Joy. Twice the trouble, double the joy.
K is for Kisses. Lots of snotty slobbery but totally lovely kisses.
L is for Love. More love than you could ever have imagined. Times two.
M is for Mother. The most important yet challenging role you will ever have.
N is for Nappies. Lots and lots and lots of nappies. And then a few more.
O is for Ordeal. Each day will require courage and endurance in order to reach the other side safely.
P is for Practice. It all gets easier the more you practice, especially leaving the house.
Q is for Quiet. Something that you will now treasure.
R is for Respect. Something you now automatically get. Especially from other mothers.
S is for Sleep. The holy grail.
T is for Two. My new favourite number.
U is for Umpteen. The number of times you will hear 'you've got your hands full'.
V is for Very. Very special.
W is for Wait. A word you will come to use multiple times a day.
X is for Xerophilous. You will learn to cope for long periods without refreshments.
Y is for You. Make sure 'you' is not lost.
Z is for Zombi.

17. "That's my worst nightmare" 

This one was actually said to me the other day.  I was stood outside the cafe, in the sunshine, waiting for my take away (and now daily necessity) coffee, with my 3 smiling happy children, on our way to the swings for some fun. A mother was sat outside said cafe, with her one adoring cute daughter, and they were enjoying a little smackeral of something nice.

And so it started (some what predictably at first).

Her: "Are they twins?"

Me: "Yes, this one is Edwin, this one is Rufus." (I like to introduce them by name rather than 'the twins'.)

Her: "Are they identical?"

Me: "Yes, very much so."

Her: "Is that one yours too?" (points at curly mopped 3 year old)

Me: "Yes, this one is my daughter, Elspeth. She is 3"

Her: "Oh, that is my worst nightmare, that that might happen to me"

Me: silence

Her: "now that I have her (points to previously mentioned adoring cute daughter), I don't know what I would do if I had twins now!"

Me: silence

Her: "I don't know how you cope"

Me: silence

Her: (sensing she might have just said the wrong thing) "I suppose you just do?"

Me: "Yes, you just have to" (takes now arrived daily necessity also known as coffee, and walks off to the swings to enjoy someone else's idea of a nightmare, also known as my lovely children.)

To be honest, at times, it has been my worst nightmare too. But to actually tell another mother that her life, the one she is living quite well, and doing alright with all things considered, is your worst nightmare? Well, let us just say, it isn't the kindest nor most appropriate thing to be saying. I am just grateful my children aren't old enough to understand what she had just said about them. I am just grateful that my children and I enjoyed our day at the swings, helped my mummy's caffeine intake. 

You know you're a parent of twins when...

... you have heard 'you've got your hands full' more times than you care to mention.

... you open your wardrobe to find it stocked high with your latest bulk buy of nappies and wipes because they were on special offer so you had to buy the entire shelf.

... you can never (and from my experience I mean never) wing it. You have to be prepared for every eventuality, and you have to preempt their every need, and continuously plan ahead. There is no such thing as 'seeing how the day goes'. It is pretty much mapped out, minute by minute.

... you know of, and use, the word 'singleton'.

... you have owned at least two double buggies, and don't consider spending over £500 to take a step closer to the constant quest for 'the solution' excessive.

... you don't have carpets under, or anywhere remotely near, the dining table.

... there is no such thing as 'popping out' and instead even the smallest of ventures requires packing and taking a very full (at times overflowing) bag with you, containing many bottles, ludicrous amounts of nappies, a silly amount of wipes, and a large variety of snacks catering for diverse tastes.

... you consider a 'night out' to be a lager shandy and a burger and chips consumed within 1.5 hours in the local whilst nervously watching your mobile phone. (And that is on the nights you've actually fooled some poor mad soul into look after your offspring).

... you have mastered the art of holding a conversation without maintaining eye contact, simultaneously talking whilst doing a silent headcount, and taking regular breaks to go and rescue a child from the top of a climbing frame. 

... you can't remember the last time your life wasn't accompanied by the soundtrack of your washing machine permanently humming away.

... you have muscles in your arms that you previously didn't know existed.

... your local shop is all out of tunnocks teacakes.

... you have already rearranged your furniture 6 times since the twins came along, in a bid to find the optimum arrangement to keep your children safe, and are yet to admit that regardless of where you put the shelves, they will most definitely climb them.

... you find yourself saying 'we must....' several times a day, and despite feeling like you are constantly working through a list of things to be done, the 'to do' list never seems to get any shorter.

... your threshold for what you consider to pass as 'clean clothes' has gotten considerably lower than years gone by.

... your nice 'saved for sunday best' dresses are dusty. Your idea of 'dressing up' involves brushing your hair and perhaps, on a really good day, applying some mascara.

You know you're a parent of twins when you've most definitely, without a doubt, got your hands full...  

16. "You deserve a medal"

Oh yes I do. Indeed I do. For a long time I tried very hard to deny the fact that my life was different to any other parent who is blessed with (or decides to have, or ends up with) 3 children. The fact that two of them were born on the same day was neither here nor there. 

Just a detail really.

Oh more fool me. I even ranted about it on facebook at times. It wasn't always an agreed with position. I think I know now why. 

Having twins is blooming hard work. Don't get me wrong, kids are hard. I am not taking anything away from the daily battles that many of my comrades (other mothers) enter into, and at times even win. Babies, children, offspring, irrespective of how many you have, are somewhat a challenge.

However, there is something about having two of them, going through all of those stages together, that renders you, the parents, worthy of a gold medal!

Here are just some of the reasons why me, and any other parent of twins (and most certainly of triplets) deserves to take home the gold...

1.) newborn twins don't understand the simple concept of 'taking it in turns', especially when it comes to feeding. They both think they are the single most important need around, and boy they don't mind telling you about it either. 

2.) twins tend to teeth either (a) at the same time, or (b) one after the other. Either way, ouch. You either have twice the screaming going on simultaneously, or you have a prolonged period of sleepless nights and grouchy miserable babies for company.

3.) nappies. Lots of them. Day in. Day out. Nappies. I am so done with changing poo bottoms. At least if you have 3 children one after the other, you'd hope that one would be on his or her way out of nappies around the time the second or third child arrives. I know that toilet training isn't without its challenges (my daughter has recently accomplished this) as you need to be within arms length of a toilet (or a vestibule that could act as a toilet) at all times.

4.) wipes. Lots of them. See above. You seriously need to take out another mortgage.

5.) you can't even pop out for a pint of milk without being stopped and asked a silly question, or being reminded that you do indeed have your hands full.

6.) going to playgroup requires the ability to be in two places at one time (that is unless you are of course blessed with those really rare lesser spotted twins who stick to each other). Whilst one of my darling boys is not satisfied with playing nicely at the water station but rather is trying really hard to climb into the water station, the other has climbed up the climbing frame and of course instantly gravitated to the 'dangerous end' (you know, the end that has that drop with a metal pole in front of it just in case at some point a child might like to pretend to be a fireman but actually it just serves as a constant source of fear for anyone with children under 2 years of age). If you're sensible and have children at different ages you'll (hopefully) find that your new one doesn't come along until your first one has just about grasped a basic sense of danger.

7.) bathing them becomes a bit of a logistical nightmare. Do you opt for bathing them together which basically involves getting really very wet and most of the shampoo ending up all over you rather than their hair, or opt for bathing them one at a time which means leaving one unsupervised or at the very best loosely supervised by his bigger sister, which ultimately leaves to finding the unbathed twin sitting on the dining table having taken a bite out of every apple. Neither is great. I tend to go for the double bathe and just accept I am going to get wet. If you, unlike me, had your children one at a time, you could probably (hopefully) bathe the eldest, pop them in front of the tv and then safely bathe the second. (Ok, that one might be a bit optimistic, but hey...)

8.) dinner time becomes a daily battle. Rather than my younger child being positively influenced by my older child, and wanting desperately to emulate their older sibling being in a hurry to master the art of cutlery, instead my older child has regressed and returned to using only her fingers as instruments with which to eat, and throwing any unwanted food onto the floor, because why be in the minority? If two are doing it, I'm not going to be the only one who doesn't. 

9.) buggy buying becomes a nightmare... because the one question all parents expecting twins want the answer to is 'what buggy do I need?' In fact this was one of the first things I became fixated on following the news... I guess it was almost like, if I can solve the problem of the buggy then everything else will fall into place. The truth is a little more disappointing - there is no perfect solution to transporting twins about, especially if you have an older sibling to consider. We are now on double buggy 3 and have probably spent close to £2,000 pursuing the perfect solution. It is an expensive business. I've only met one couple so far who have bought and stuck to one buggy... 

10.) this one is simple - twins is a little bit like running a marathon each and every day... every day, come the children's bedtime, I am spent. I am physically exhausted, I am emotionally exhausted, even my clothes look tired by bedtime. So I don't know about you, but since I run a marathon each and every day, I think I deserve a medal for that. For perseverance, for stamina, for commitment, for dedication, and just for getting up each day, brushing my teeth, and doing it again.

(So far my gold medals have included a few pairs of shoes, a fair few boxes of praline chocolate, and the odd bunch of flowers). 

If you, like me, run that marathon each and every day, you too deserve a medal or two. Make sure you get some... it gives you a little more motivation to just run that little bit harder, knowing at the end of the race is a wonderful pair of shoes you've lusted over, or the perfect box of chocolates to indulge in.

If you know someone like me, someone who's running that marathon each and every day, pop in a medal next time you're passing. It doesn't have to be sparkly or expensive, it can be simple, but whatever medal you chose, I bet they will wear it with pride.

15. "I bet you wouldn't change a thing though?"

Yes. I would. 

I would change the fact that my daughter was still so young when we fell pregnant with twins.

I would change the fact that at 19 weeks I nearly went into labour, leaving me with a difficult decision as to whether to have a cervical stitch put in and risk causing a miscarriage, or not have it and risk delivering them before they were viable.

I would change the fact that my decision to have the stitch meant I was no longer able to lift my young daughter anymore.

I would change the fact that I then went on to develop pre-eclampsia, causing me to end up in hospital for large chunks of the pregnancy, meaning my daughter only got to see me for very short periods of time.

I would change the fact that my sons were born with hypospadias - meaning that shortly one of them will have to undergo an operation.

I would change the fact that despite recovering well from the c-section I had to be taken back into hospital due to unusual bleeding requiring IV antibiotics.

I would change the fact that at only a few weeks old I had to see one of my new babies blue and floppy and rushed into hospital*. 

I would change the fact that I then had to sit at his bedside watching a ventilator breathe for him, as he was too tired to breathe for himself. If I could have given him my breath, I would have done.

I would change the fact that 36 hours after my poorly son returned home, my other son also stopped breathing and had to be rushed into hospital, meaning yet again sitting at a bedside watching the wonders of modern technology and medicine.

I would change the fact that I now know and understand so much about ventilation, apnea, breathing alarms, and so on. All things that a mother shouldn't have to find out.

I would change the fact that they then spent several months getting wheezy chest after wheezy chest.

 

I wouldn't, however, change the fact that I had twins.

I also wouldn't change the vast amount of support we all received during those difficult times.

I wouldn't change the fact that my dad was holding my son when he stopped breathing, and that my mother was there to breathe life back into him.

I wouldn't change the endless playdates others have taken my daughter on in order to give us a bit of space or rest.

I wouldn't change the skill and expertise of the doctors and nurses who have cared for us over these times.

I wouldn't change how robust my daughter has become as a result of all of this.

I wouldn't change some of the friendships I have developed along the way, people I might not have otherwise known who have become very important people to me.



* I just wanted to reassure other parents of twins, my boys didn't randomly stop breathing. They both had acute bronchilitus which led to life threatening apnea. The doctors said it is very rare for bronchilitus to cause that and at worst baby's normally just need oxygen, not ventilation. By all means fret over your babies and watch them closely, poke them regularly to check they're ok. But don't do so more as a consequence of my experiences. My experiences were not the norm. They were the exception.

14. "You obviously don't have a tv!"

Ermmm... yes I do. And I watch it. A lot. Most evenings in fact. It is my escapism from my reality most of the time. Plus it also comes in handy as a children's entertainer when I need one.

I know what people are getting at, that I have lots of kids (well, 3) and that therefore I must have been bored and so got busy - if you know what I mean... 

I need to be careful what I say here as who knows, one day my kids might google something and stumble across this blog... but... we conceived the boys by accident. Ok, so we are both adults, and we knew that if we weren't careful there might, maybe, be consequences. We had decided to have another child in the future, but I had just gone freelance, my husband was planning to go freelance, we had just moved house and finally had some space to enjoy, and 'spare rooms' (having spent the first year of our daughter's life cooped up in a one bedroom basement flat, space felt good) so all in all it was not the ideal time to be making a baby, let alone two. 

Therefore I often feel completely justified in having a right old moan about my life - I didn't choose to get pregnant, and I most certainly didn't choose to have two of them at once. It was thrust upon me. And I don't personally sign up for the 'god bless me with twins because he knew I could cope' line of thought.

I imagine (and I can only begin to imagine as I haven't walked in their shoes) but it must be really tough if you've fought long and hard for your children, been through rounds of IVF to finally conceive, and to have carried twins... I can imagine that it might make one feel guilty for then having days where you resent them. I might be completely wrong. Maybe you don't. But that is what I often wonder. How hard it might be to be completely honest and say 'some days I wish I hadn't had twins'. I know full well that in the early days I had days when I felt like that. 

People use to say 'oh but you wouldn't change a thing would you' - and in my head I said 'yes I bloody would'.  It doesn't for one minute mean I didn't and don't love them. I have always loved them. I have always wanted only the best for them. This has been reflected in some of the difficult decisions I have had to make along the way. But despite loving them, there are indeed moments when I have wished I didn't love them, wished I hadn't had them, wish I had never met them - because now I have met them I can't ignore them nor abandon them... And I suspect this is true irrespective of whether you conceived them with IVF or the missionary position. I just wonder how much easier it is to admit this when it is the latter?

How to put together a 'rescue package' for a mother of twins or more.

You know how sometimes you just know that someone is teetering on the edge of coping and not coping? They are just about holding it together, just about managing to juggle with fire, but one bad move and they're going to get their fingers burnt?

Well, if you know someone in this situation. Some one who is just having a bit of a crap week... why don't you put together a little rescue package for them - it might make the difference between it being a difficult week, and a really impossible week.

So what goes into this rescue package? Here goes...

Item 1 - A box of tunnocks tea cakes. 

If you have read previous posts you will know I always judged how bad a day was based on how many tunnocks tea cakes I had eaten. They come in handy. They are full of well needed sugar, and a bit of a guilty pleasure. Comfort eating can be a mum's best friend.

Item 2 - Two pairs of baby socks. 

With the instructions to remove said socks during a particularly bad moment - there is nothing quite like the site of small weeny weeny toes to make your heart go all soft and remind you just how gorgeous that noisy pooy tired little thing really is. 

Item 3 - A box of nelson's teething powders. 

These were my god send. We called them 'baby crack'. They seem to have the ability to soothe even the most grumpiest of babies, and if all else fails mummy can neck the lot and may find them soothing. 

Item 4 - A tooth brush. 

With the instructions to only aim; to brush one's teeth each day. Anything beyond this is a bonus. (thank you Marjorie for this one).

Item 5 - A teabag. 

This one will go well with the tunnock's teacakes.

Item 6 - Some paracetamol. 

Some days just hurt more than others. Paracetamol probably won't make the blindest bit of difference, but some days it just felt good to feel I was trying to do something. 

Item 7 - A bag of mixed nuts. 

(unless of course they have a nut allergy in which case skip straight to item 8). With the instructions that; a handful of these should be consumed at around 4pm, just before the evening slog begins. 

Item 8 - Two white babygrows. 

You won't believe the amount of clothes two babies can get through. And whilst all those lovely patterned ones are gorgeous to look at, they can be a pain to wash. There is nothing quite like a big pile of plain white baby clothes that you can just throw into a hot wash and not worry about them coming out pink or gray. Also handy to have two on hand in case of emergencies. Of which there will be a lot of in the early days.

Item 9 - A pack of muslins. 

I literally went through millions of these. Despite continuously washing them over and over there was never a clean one to hand. So chances are, whilst opening said rescue package mummy will also be reaching for yet another muslin, and finding them inside the package will reduce doing two things to one. Leaving mummy a little more time to shove item 1 into her mouth.

Item 10 - A babysitting token. 

The one feeling that is rather overwhelming to begin with is that your life is over and you will never be you again. Knowing that you have something to look forward to in the future, a night out with your partner / husband / wife / important other will help you through. Obviously this item is rather dependent on (a) your ability to look after small children (b) your distance from recipient of said package and (c) how much your friend trusts you with (a). If this is not a suitable token, you could instead give them a 'one home cooked meal' token, or perhaps 'a trip to the supermarket' token. Or similar. Use your imagination. But you get the general idea - it is a promise to do something practical and helpful for the family at a time in the future when they think it will help them the most.

These are just a few of the things that would have or did help me through. I'd be interested to know what other items others would have liked included in a rescue package?

13. "Is one a boy and one a girl?"

"No... they are both boys."

"Oh, why aren't they dressed the same then?"

The subject of whether or not to dress twins identically is actually a bit controversial... Despite having so much in common with other parents of multiples, one thing we don't all agree on is whether or not to dress the same, or different.

Personally I am in the 'dress them differently' camp. That isn't to say I think parents who dress them the same are wrong, far from it. Just like any parenting decision we make, there are a number of options available, and many of them equally as right, but it is a case of choosing the one that best fits you.  

As you know from previous posts, we coded our children - one in stripes, one not.  Despite being very adamant that I was not going to make my two boys matching, I have noticed how hard I find it to dress them completely differently! By that I mean they tend to both be wearing jeans and a t-shirt, or both be in dungarees, or both be in cotton shorts, or both be in cords... all be it different colours and patterns. I don't know why that is? When my own personal philosophy with identical twins is that they are identical enough already so why then dress them the same (unless I plan to make my daughter dress the same too), but yet I can't quite let go of them matching!

• Is it a desire to have everything aesthetically pleasing in my life? Everything nice and coordinated to look at and feel tidy (in as much as one can feel tidy with 3 small children). 

• Is it that I think it just looks far cuter when they match? (It does sometimes look quite cute when they match).

• Is it a practical thing about washing clothes and having piles of the same types of clothes makes it easier? (it doesn't... nothing makes the piles of washing easier). 

• Is it being lazy, by the time I've thought through one outfit I can't be bothered to think through a second so I just repeat the outfit? (I can't honestly say I spend a lot of time thinking through outfits - theirs or mine).

• Or is it none of the above? (quite possibly).

I can't honestly tell you why I feel the need to keep them matching but different. I've tried to break away from it, but it just felt wrong. So there we go, whilst I profess to be very much in the 'they're already identical so give them a chance at being individual' school of thought, it seems subconsciously I advocate and promote their identical-ness. (that isn't a proper word, but it is still a good word).

My top ten tips for surviving multiples of children.

1. Watch what you eat...

You've just had twins, so you really ought to be watching what you eat. Watch to make sure you eat. Comfort eat (I used to say I knew how bad my day was based on how many tunnocks teacakes I'd had that day) but make sure you eat plenty of those foods that give you energy (like bananas and nuts and what not). Trust me, when those kids get mobile, you'll be running around like a mad thing, discovering muscles you didn't know you had, and generally effortlessly getting fit.

 

2. Buy a stopwatch...

Ok, so you don't actually need a stop watch for this one, but this was a really good tip I was given when I had just one baby, but boy was it relevant when I had two. When you're entering a double melt down, which are a common occurrence in those early days, keep an eye on the time. Those melt downs when you're in them feel like they've been going on ALL day. But if you time them you'll (hopefully) see that they're actually a lot shorter, and normally no longer than 20 minutes - or at least that's how long it used to take me to prepare and administer 2 bottles of milk.

3. Hide

I have noticed that now the boys are playing, they sometimes play better when they think I'm not about - luckily for me I have a glass door* between my kitchen and my living room. So once a day, I go into the kitchen, make myself a cup of tea, get their dinner started, load the dishwasher - allowing them to have some (supervised) playtime together when they're not squabbling over mummy cuddles. It's good for me, and it's good for their development as independent little people.

 

 4. Loosen up

By this I mean learn to just let things go a bit. If you're the sort of person that keeps the perfect show home - take a break from it. Whilst I do agree that routine is an essential way of surviving twinhood, don't be too hard on yourself and expect a routine from day one. Those routines we all aspire to take a while to develop, implement, and bed down. If at first they sleep at different times then make the most of some precious one to one time. The routine will come in time, work towards it. But don't be so focused on it that you make the early days harder than they need to be.

 

5. Set your expectations low

In the early days, consider brushing your teeth a major achievement. If you brush your hair too you deserve a medal (more on those shortly). Do not put too much pressure on yourself, you haven't just got your hands full, you've also got your day crammed full of nappy changes, getting small people dressed, preparing and administering feeds (or just feeds for those of you that breastfeed - and you guys get my utmost respect), cuddling and rocking small people and mopping up sick. Surprisingly you just don't have a lot of spare minutes between any of these activities left for putting a wash on, or getting the dinner ready. So be realistic about what you can achieve each day, otherwise it'll leave you frustrated.

 

6. Don't watch supernanny

Don't watch too many of those programs aimed at showing parents how to parent better. For starters, have you ever noticed how most families she helps have at least one set of multiples in them? What is with that? But mostly, because they are worst case scenarios. Your children will (most likely) never be that naughty... so why raise your already elevated anxiety levels. The future will come, your parenting skills will grow as the children do. Don't panic yourself by watching the worst cases around.

7. It's ok to not like your children at times

It is really important that you hear this... It is ok to not like your children all the time. It does NOT mean you don't always love them. But at times, they are going to push all your buttons and make you feel a bit rubbish. During these times you probably won't like them very much. Forgive yourself. It is ok. You do still love them. Parenting is a constant conflict between seeing to their needs whilst not completely ignoring your own. This is hard. At times it means you will feel in conflict with your children. But you do and will always love them. (and if you really don't then completely ignore tip 6 and get in touch with supernanny).

 

8. Feel the fear, and do it anyway.

Going out and about with just you, your buggy, and your twins (and of course a whole heap of nappies and wipes and two full sets of clothes plus gallons of milk if you're not bf'ing) feels really really daunting to begin with. In the early days it seems to take as long getting ready to leave the house, nay longer, than you are actually out for. Not to mention the fear of coping with your two babies, which is hard enough in the house, never mind with the public watching just waiting to make a daft comment or two. However, go out you must. I promise you it is worth it. Slowly you get much quicker at 'mobilising' (as my dear friend calls it) and you no longer fear your darling angels showing you up. In part because you get better at anticipating the parts of the day that are more prone to double meltdowns, and in part because you get better at dealing with them. Plus, we all know motion and new environments cheer even the grumpiest of children up. 

 

9. Accept help.

Hopefully you will be inundated with offers of help in the beginning. Capitalise on this. Do not be too proud or stubborn to accept it. Simply manage the offers and make sure that people are actually helping. Lots of friends and family will want to come and visit the babies, allow them, but when they are there make sure they put the kettle on themselves and make you a well needed cuppa, that you can enjoy while they have a cuddle. If friends want to visit, ask them to stop by the shop to pick up some dinner, some milk, some teabags, and a box of tunnocks teacakes. If you have family around, don't be shy in asking them to put on a wash. To be honest, this time last year, I'd have asked the bin man to help me! My cleaner (yes, I know, but I had 3 under 3, what else was I going to do!) fed a baby when she arrived each Thursday morning. Eventually the offers of help peter out, and you'll be wishing you still had so many offers. Make the most of it... people can be very kind and are usually very happy to help you in return for some lovely cuddles.

 

10. Give yourself some medals.

This is really important that you reward yourself for all the hard work you do. Make sure you get occasional treats. Or, more importantly, make sure others get them for you. There is nothing quite like the odd pair of new shoes, or a large slab of your favourite cake, or a nice massage, to make you feel better about the worst of weeks. The last 17 months have been made much more survivable thanks to my kurt geiger sneakers, the odd bunch of flowers, and numerous chocolate brownies from konditor and cook - all my medals, received with pride.




* for you worriers out there; yes it is toughened and laminated

12. "Wow, twins, rather you than me."

Do you know what, when I first found out I was having twins, I would rather it had been anyone other than me. Anyone at all. So long as it wasn't happening to me. I was terrified and full of dread. It felt, at times, like a big burden. I was in shock. I'm not proud that I felt like that. But I did. 

The sonographer scanned me and said; 'well the good news is your pregnant, and the other good news is there are two of them.'

My response was; 'that is NOT good news'.

But now, when people say 'rather you than me' (and thankfully it hasn't happened too too often), my immediate response (in my head) is "yes, I'm glad it happened to me and not to you". 

I guess that says it all, and answers the question most twin parents ask, of 'does it get easier?'

11. " Double trouble!"

This one is usually a light hearted throw away comment, which to some degree is accurate - but it does make me wonder why instantly the commenter has focused in on the negative aspect of twins! Of course the stock answer to this is "Double joy" - at times said through gritted teeth depending on what kind of day it is.

As others have said - twins pretty much double you up on everything. 

Prepare to;

• Change a lot of nappies. 
• Feed a lot of small mouths. 
• Wash a lot of squidgy bums. 
• Wipe a lot of messy floors. 
• Wash a lot of small clothing. 
• Buy a lot of small pairs of shoes (and perhaps throw in the odd big pair of shoes as a medal for yourself). 
• Experience a lot of sleepless nights. 
• Wipe away a lot of soggy tears. 
• Hold a lot of pudgy hands. 
• Push a lot of buggy around.
• Push a lot of swings.
• Soothe a lot of growing teeth.
• Wipe a lot of snotty noses.

But as well as getting extra of all of the above as a consequence of having twins (or triplets or quadruplets), also expect to;

• Get a lot of cuddles.
• Hear two lots of first words.
• Get to experience the first steps twice.
• Be given lots of wet kisses.
• Hear two first giggles.
• Here your baby say 'mummy' or 'daddy' for the first time twice.
• Read one story but see two happy children listening.
• Have two first birthdays all in the same day.
• Get two mothers / fathers day cards.
• Have both your fridge and boiler absolutely smothered in smudgy art work.
• Get twice as much attention when you're out (ok so this one is kind of the point of this blog, but as many have pointed out, when you're in the right mood, the attention is welcome).
• And most of all, get unconditionally loved, twice over.

Double trouble? I'll take that trouble ten times over for those things. 

10. "Twins! I've always wanted twins!"

This commonly received comment was emailed in by Kim, who said;

"It always makes my blood boil when someone says, 'Twins, I've always wanted twins!'. The commenter is usually a young girl who is most likely fantasizing about picking out matchy names and dressing them in the same adorable outfits.

I usually just smile and nod.  However, if you catch me on a particularly rough day, I've been known to reply 'no you don't. It is really hard.'

It is so much easier now that my boys are ten months old.  I haven't heard that comment in a while, but if I did now, I probably would reply;

'Maybe you will be as blessed as I am.'

I think Kim is quite right, I've had a fair few people say this one, and just earlier today I was chatting with another twin mum who said that her standard reply to this was "be careful what you wish for".

Funnily enough, when I was pregnant with my daughter, I did wonder at the 12 week scan if it might be twins, not in a serious way, but I suppose I was aware that it was a possibility.  However, having had a single baby, when it came to my second pregnancy it didn't once occur to me that that might be the case (despite all the some what obvious signs!).

I also think Kim hits the nail on the head, how we feel about these comments changes through time. What once was a sore subject, now becomes our favourite subject.

9. "When I am having a bad day, I just walk past your house, and I suddenly feel a lot better".

Advanced warning for 'anonymous commenter': this is one my friends have said to me. Dear friends, you know who you are!

I think what these friends who have said this to me actually mean to say is, 'when I am having a bad day, I think of you and realise how much harder this could be for me, as it is for you, and that puts things back in perspective a little'. Truth is, I'm not sure if in the early days either way of saying it wouldn't have landed on hostile ears, but at least the latter sounds slightly less... slightly less... hmmm... I'm not sure of the word, but perhaps would have wound me up slightly less.

Time for a confession - when my boys were first born, I had a really bad case of singleton envy. Yup, I used to watch mothers walking around, with their lovely single buggies (usually a bugaboo) with their lovely single baby, and I would resent them. There we go. It doesn't make me a terribly nice person.

But the fact of the matter is that I was jealous of them. I felt jealous of how easy they had it (even though the rational me knows that having just one baby doesn't necessarily make it easy). I wanted what they had. I wanted to be able to 'pop to the village for coffee' with my other mummy friends, and pop the baby on the breast when they started fussing, or jiggle them on my knee. I didn't want to be petrified of stopping by the local cafe in case (a) I blocked up the entire place with my massive double buggy nor (b) ruin all the other mummy's coffees when my two adorable children inevitably had a double melt down and proved the case that yes indeed I have my hands full.

I have since spoken to some other parents of multiples, who have assured me that they too went through a phase of this.

You'll be glad to know, that for the most part, this has now passed.

Instead I most definitely block up the local cafe with my double buggy by inviting my other friend with a double buggy containing two babies, and a toddler, and my children aren't quite as prone to a double melt down (although this is still considered a work in progress) and when things get really bad I pass them a croissant and it buys me enough time to finish my well needed late.

I'd even go as far as saying, that at times, very occaisonally, once in a blue moon, I catch myself feeling sorry for people who don't have twins.

A guest entry by my comrade and friend, Sharon, who is in a not too dissimilar position to myself.  An older daughter, followed by two boys, who aren't identical, but just as lovely as each other. 

The following list was compiled following a rather amusing exchange on that good old social networking site we all love to hate; facebook.  Her list did make me laugh, so I wanted to share it (with Sharon's permission) here. 

"I know people don't mean to be rude but this is my top ten annoying things that people say.. And in the early first sleep deprived weeks of twin motherhood you gets these A LOT!

1. "Are they twins?" To me it is stating the bleeding obvious.. And it is usually followed by some long protracted story about their second cousin's neighbour's aunt who might have had twins, but they can't remember...

2. "Are they natural?" No.. they are those little reborn dolls... And yes the screaming noise is very realistic.

3. "Are they IVF?" Yes, I'm infertile, thank you for that! And then the story about the friend who it didn't work for.

4. "Are they in a routine?" Yes, perfect routine, when one is asleep the other is screaming his head off and vice versa.

5. " You must have had a c-section?" No actually, I have a fanny like the Channel Tunnel, but let's discuss your bits and pieces shall we??

6. "It's a shame you can't breast feed". I did actually, not as long as I had hoped, but I did.

7. "I bet you're tired". No sh*t, Sherlock.

8. "Is one the evil twin?" Yes. The one you just touched, and he's put a curse on you.

9. "Oooh double trouble". Twice the joy

10. "Ooooh twinnies!" FECK. OFF.

But the nicest thing I ever heard was when a man came up to my husband and I and said he had 7 year old twins. One day he came home and found his wife sobbing in the dog basket. And that the day I felt like that, I wouldn't be the first, or the last mum to feel that way. And that the journey was ALL worth it!

And all twin mums really want to know is, "What buggy have you got??"... along with "You do survive, don't you?"!!"

Thank you Sharon for sharing this with me... and allowing me to share it with everyone else.

8. "Do they have different personalities?"

Nope. They behave exactly the same. All of the time. Sorry, I couldn't help being sarcastic.

This area actually really fascinates me, because of course they have different personalities - one of my boys is a stubborn old fool who insists, absolutely insists, on climbing on the dining table and helping himself to the apples... whilst the other one has attached to his toy rabbit and carries him around by the ear. One loves strawberries, the other one won't touch them. I could carry on here for a while. 

I haven't exactly carried out any scientific research on the matter, but from my limited 'unofficial-would-never-be-passed-off-as-research' research, I think it is suffice to say that twins, irrespective of whether they are identical or not, do definitely develop different personalities. But also, as much as any siblings do, due to them sharing their environment, their experiences of being 'parented', some of how they develop is similar.

Identical means genetically identical - it does not mean carbon copy - or at least last time I checked.

7. "you have my respect, they are beautiful"

So whilst this is largely a blog about what not to say, I figured we might as capture the good stuff that we hear - after all, it isn't all bad.

Yesterday, after my husband working till 4am, I was entering my 24th hour of parenting sans any help - and as such was taking my daughter to nursery without having showered and hardly having had my breakfast, and of course the boys came too.  I was just arriving at the nursery looking somewhat flustered and exhausted when a woman coming the other way gave me a look, and I thought "oh, no, here we go, and I'm just not in the mood for this" (you know, one of 'those' mornings) when to my surprise she said "nuff respect, they are beautiful".

It made me grin from ear to ear, and made the morning feel that little bit more manageable all of a sudden.  She didn't point out that they were twins. She didn't ask if they were identical, and amazingly she didn't even say I had my hands full.  She merely demonstrated that she thought what I did was hard, and paid my beautiful children a compliment they deserve, and yet so often lack due to the focus largely being on them being 'twins'.

Don't lose site of the fact that, beyond being twins (or indeed triplets or quadruplets), that multiples are still beautiful children, gorgeous and cute little munchkins, and much as a mother of a 'singleton' likes to hear others gush over their offspring, so do us mothers of multiples.

So thank you to that random lady for making my morning, it was and is appreciated. And yes, they are beautiful, even if I am a little biased.

6? "How do you tell them apart?"

So, in fact, whilst this question can get a little repetitive, and there is the temptation to come up with some rather daft responses ("oh, we just call their name and see which one responds") the truth of the matter is that this did cause my husband and I some concern prior to them being born.  

We decided not to cut their tags off when we first left the hospital, as to begin with the boys were co-sleeping - which meant the likelihood was that in the very small hours of the night when we were waking for yet another two hourly feed we would be so tired as to forget which one we were holding and thence start swapping them about and mixing them up.  I was dreading not being able to tell one from the other.

Then began the 'clothing code' where we decided stripes for one, and patterns for the other.  17 months on and we still, all be it subconsciously, stick to that code in one way or another.  I suppose in part it is because we don't like family to feel uncomfortable when they don't feel they can tell them apart... in part it might be so that in years to come when we look at pictures of the two of them we will remember which one we are looking at so nostalgically. In part it is now just engrained in us.

But I can tell them apart, even when they are toddling about with their nappies off and having a grand old time in the 'nudie rudie' (as our daughter calls it). For this, I am very grateful.  To me my boys do look different. I can't explain it, so answering that question proves a little tough for me... but I can, and do, know which one is which, for now any way!

5. "Oh, twins? Poor you!"

Where do I start with this one? I guess largely my response depends on what kind of day I am having.  Sometimes I have felt like bursting into tears and saying "you have no idea how 'poor me' this is, please can I have a hug oh random stranger?".  Other times it really gets my back up.  I know what I do is tough, the bags under my eyes and the sugar content of my cupboards vouch for that. However, despite the tough days, despite the endless noise and the constant feeling of needing to be in 3 places at once, and have eyes in at least two different directions at one time... despite all of that, I do feel blessed.

It has taken me a while to arrive in that position. But there I am. I feel blessed. I wouldn't give back the endless nappies, the endless cuddles, the endless snotty noses, the endless dinners thrown on the floor, the endless scraps over the same toys, nor the endless sleepless nights, if it meant giving back my children. (Well, most days anyway).

4. "You've got twins!"

No? Really? Where? I must have missed that one... but thanks for pointing out the obvious to me, otherwise I'd never have realised.  I'd have carried on in my misguided view that in fact I have two children, who just happen to be born on the same day.

I'm not naive enough to think that being a 'twin' doesn't attract a certain amount of attention - and to some degree I hope my boys learn to enjoy and appreciate the special thing that being a twin is.  However, early on in the pregnancy my husband and I made a decision not to refer to the boys as 'the twins'.

Why? When that is so plainly what they are? Because they are going to already have a very complicated relationship with their identity. Society won't often let them forget that they do indeed have an identical 'other' - especially as they grow up together.  So why add to this? Why not see them as two very beautiful (if somewhat cheeky) individual young boys, who just happened to be born on the same day (and turned our lives upside down)?

And... if I am honest... "you've got twins" said in exclamation whilst walking past me is about the most pointless of social exchanges... "You've got a head!" I feel like replying.

3. "I just don't know how you do it..."

Really? I mean really? I know that most people mean well when they say this, I suppose it's akin to saying "I respect you for doing something so hard", but sometimes, on those really bad days (the kind of days when I've already eaten my way through an entire box of tunnock's tea cakes only to find they haven't helped) it just makes me want to punch you. I'm sorry. But there it is. Right now, when the kids have just gone to bed, and the husband is about to cook me dinner, I feel bad for ever feeling like that. But usually this is said to me right in one of those really overwhelming moments, when the kids are running riot, and I'm literally juggling or for want of a better analogy 'treading water' and every part of me wants to run away. So when I hear that, what I want to say is "no, neither do I love!".

However, 'do it' I do. Somehow. Some way. I, and they, survive each and every day (almost) in tact. I guess you just rise to it. What other choice do I have? If all those people who have said that to me really thought about it, what is the other option? That I don't do it? That I abandon my kids and hide upstairs and just leave them to it? No. Exactly. The only option I have is to 'do it'. So 'do it' I do.

Some days I do it well, really well in fact.  Other days I do it quite badly.  But I do it. Each and every day.

2. "Do twins run in the family?"

I feel terrible for getting annoyed by this question, as truth be told before 'that' day (yes, the day I was told, the good news is you're pregnant, the other good news is there are two of them) I didn't have a clue about whether twins were hereditary or not.  I too would have assumed they were, and probably ask the same question.  So here goes, lesson number one;

• Identical twins are not hereditary. There you go. We said it. It is considered to be a random or spontaneous event. 
• None identical twins when they are fraternal twins are linked to genetics and can be an inherited joy. 

• Identical twins will always be the same sex (yes, I had to think this one through on 'that' day).
• None identical twins can be different sex, or the same sex - just because twins are the same sex doesn't mean they are identical.  

AND THE WINNER IS: 1. "You've got your hands full"

I can't tell you just how many times I've had this said to me now.  Truly, enough already. I can't take it anymore.

However, yesterday a lovely friend of mine in a very similar situation to myself taught me the best response I could give; "yes, they are full, full of love".

The truth is, my hands are full.  In fact, they are overflowing.  I have 3 small children, and only 2 hands (although I've also found that feet are more helpful than I first thought).  Having twins is a handful. Definitely. No denying it.

But the thing I forgot when I was expecting the boys was that they come with a lot of love. And let's face it, if you're going to have your hands full, what better to have them full of than 3 amazing children, who you have the honour of parenting.

But next time, rather than rather obviously pointing out to a no doubt tired parent that she/he has their hands full.... how about you open the door for them, or pick up the sippy cup their child has just dropped, or offer to push one child on the swing while they push the other.  It is still the simple things that make a big difference, even to those of us with our hands full.